Who I Am to YOU
If I'm your beloved, can you help me believe it?
The first time I heard this song I ended up tearing up in the car. It is such a beautiful love song to Jesus and sometimes I need to remember that His grace is enough not just to cover sin but to give an identity that doesn't depend on your actions, your strength, your virtue. You are HIS bride and you are simply enough because HE loves you and when I realize that it makes my love for HIM blossom.
I'm not an active sinner. This isn't a boast. I've led a fairly temptation free life. I was home schooled, and even after graduation, I stepped into the workforce with a face that made people apologize for swearing in front of me well into my twenties. I was never propositioned or offered drugs or had an opportunity to really misbehave. My husband is the first boy I loved and we guarded each other during our short courtship, the parts of it he didn't spend across the globe. However, not being a "bad" person does not make one a "good" person. Sometimes I look back on my life and think I haven't really done much. I haven't really stood for much. I tend to "settle" with almost everything I do. I think "good enough" with the cleaning and the cooking. I resent expectations. I get worked up if someone pushes me too hard to be better at something, and because of this, in my moments of self-reflection, I often feel lukewarm, flat lined, as if I took the salvation and the easy road and other than that, what value do I have? What makes me worth anything?
One of the reasons this song strikes a chord with me is because I often feel that way with my husband, looking up at him for unconditional love, but Matt is human and being human he has expectations. Sometimes I feel his frustration with my "good enough" mentality bubbling up. He would like the house a little cleaner. He would like things run a little tighter. He swallows his natural perfectionism for my sake but on the few occasions he has vented these feelings, once I get over my initial defensive reaction, I often find myself peering up at him thinking, "Please just love me because you love me. Please let that be enough because obviously I am not enough."
Thank God for good men because he still does love me. I still have him.
But human love is never going to be completely unconditional. If I were honest, I'd admit I have expectations for Matt. I expect him to be affectionate and attentive. I expect him to be an ear to my rambling and a shoulder to lean on . . . and I expect him to love me unconditionally, which means I have a condition that he should love me unconditionally. Imagine that?
But God isn't human. There is no expectation there. It is unconditional, and I should be turning, not away from Matt, but with Matt, towards God. If I could manage that, then that would be a source of true love, the kind I was made to experience. The kind that tells me who I am, not what I should be.