Popular Posts

Monday, April 8, 2013

Zugzwang-Unintentional Sex Ed Edition

I recently learned a new term from the source of all knowledge: television crime dramas . . .  you know, cause they never make anything up. . .but anyway, according to a recent episode of Criminal Minds the chess term "Zugzwang" means the point in the game where you realize that you can't win and have to choose whether to forfeit or play out the inevitable defeat. . .  true to form, a quick scan of Wikipedia (which I think is slightly more reliable than most works of fiction on CBS), it is a little more complicated than that, but since I am not a chess player (cried when my husband tried to teach me), the Criminal Minds definition is the one I am choosing to go with.

Now I find that this term is following me around. Popping into my brain as I play arcade games online and realize that I'm running out of moves, as I attempt to screw the lid onto a sippy cup one handed while my baby flails for it from my hip, when I get into ANY argument with my husband . . .

I don't know why anyone in their right mind would argue with my husband. My only excuse is that I am frequently not in my right mind.

So where was I . . .

I recently have become aware that, in spite of their ability to teach me how to miss-use chess terms, most of the shows I watch are not Coryn safe. Some are scary. Some have people who almost have sex (meaning they lean into each other breathing heavy before things fade to back; I'm not into HBO type stuff, so it's mostly pg 13) at which point I inevitably find that Coryn has sneaked back into the room and wants to know things like, "Do they love each other? Are they married? What are they doing?"

Still, there are times I really like to watch television when she is still awake, notably dinner making time (Though Matt blames me watching TV and cooking on a few instances of us ordering pizza) and exercise time (I judge my workouts by how much television I can watch before I give up and sit there and drink water or "stretch" ie sit on the floor  and look at my toes: New Girl workout=pathetic, Project Runway workout=hard core, NCIS workout=about right.). Because of this I am now searching for things I can watch with Coryn. We have gotten through all of the modern Doctor Who episodes (eventually we might need to start the old ones). Cooking shows are usually a safe bet. . . but lately I decided to get ambitious and look up some animal documentary programs. Those would be awesome and clean and fun and even a little educational.

What I ended up getting a hold of was a series called "Whale Adventures with Nigel Marven." This British guy is following Gray Whales up the coast of the western US, well, western US and Mexico. Whales are cool, right?

So we started and things were going well. He was in a boat in Baja California petting a friendly baby whale and Coryn was intrigued and amused and I felt so proud of myself from coming up with this great idea to simultaneously entertain and educate my child via marine biology . . . and then it happened.

Good old Nigel saw a bunch of whales thrashing about and announced that this was unusual behavior so late in the season. These whales are mating!

Okay, I thought, how graphic can whale sex be. They are underwater. They are whales. They are. . . omgosh, what is that?

Pervy Nigel's pervy camera man zooms right in on this (obviously) male whale, lying belly up on the surface of the water, letting it all hang out. I'm not really going to describe this scene to you. It was about a ten second clip, but it was pretty dang obvious what we were seeing to me but I hoped not to Coryn. Maybe she hadn't noticed?

"Mommy, what IS that?" she burst out before the ten seconds were up. Zugzwang.

I drew a deep breath and decided that trying to obfuscate or misdirect or deny her curiosity would probably do more harm than good at this age so I said, "That is a boy whale and those are his boy parts." (She knows the medical terms, but I personally still have a hard time saying them for whatever reason, so I generally fall back on "private parts" and "girl parts" and "boy parts" when it comes up which considering that the majority of the house is female only comes up when discussing the dog who sometimes flashes us). Coryn thought this was hilarious.

"You mean his . . ." and she pointed to her own privates.

"Yes," I said. She laughed for a bit then she said.

"It's really long."

It was rather.

So, we are still looking for completely complication free television. In the meantime I'm going to try and bleach the image of rather long whale privates from my brain.

No comments:

Post a Comment