Ways to Reviewer Proof Your Book.

Ways to Reviewer Proof Your Book.

We all know that negative reviews are the literal worst. Every time a reader writes one, a star falls from the sky and angels weep. They're the most awful of awful. They cause literal tears, sleepless nights, and if you get one you will never, ever, ever sell another book again.

Or something like that …

So here's my foolproof guide to reviewer proofing your book so that no one ever dislikes it enough to leave you a dreaded one, two, or even three star review.

Express no controversial views ever. 

If at all possible, avoid opinions in general. No one can disagree with you if you don't take a stance. Of course, then you might get some reviews complaining that this is pointless fluff … but people like fluffy things. That's why kittens rule the internet.

Write EXACTLY to genre expectations. 

Follow all the rules. Find out what your genre readers like then do exactly that. Never deviate. Never take risks. Never put a twist on it. Of course, you might get some reviews that your stories are just like every other story and don't offer anything new, but we just established, that's what readers want, so it's really a compliment and the 2 star saying that is simply a mistake.

Control who reviews your books by limiting the readership only to people who will really, really like your book.

 A lot of times reviewers leave bad reviews because they didn't like the book because of that sickness of human nature: personal taste and opinions. Your book simply wasn't “their thing.” Therefore, to avoid bad reviews you must only allow readers who really like your book to read your book. I suggest a note of warning at the beginning of your book. Something to the extent of “If you don't like fluffy kitten fiction with perfect genre beats in (insert chosen genre), please put this book down now and never ever return.” That ought to really increase your review ratings (not sure how it will affect sales, but we all know if you get a bad review you'll never get another sale again, so it's best to be extra careful here.).

Write exactly like the most popular authors in your genre. 

If at all possible, put their words, premises, and style into a blender, grind it up, and dump it on your manuscript so it reads exactly like theirs. Ignore the fact that they also have bad reviews. We all know that this means that they are selling anymore books, so their readers, having stopped reading their favorite author's books because they got a one star review, will be looking for a new author who doesn't have any one star reviews to follow, and you'll be there, waiting.

Now, if you do happen to get a bad review ... sorry, you're through. You're in the Swamp of Sadness. There's no going forward; there's no going back. You probably should quit. There's no chance you could potentially learn anything from that review. There's no chance that it was just one reader out of millions of readers who didn't personally care for your story. It's all bad, all the time. 

We'll miss you. 


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