Personal Aside



I don't do sad. I'm buoyant. I'm optimistic. When I get sad about something, my whole being argues with it. I don't have a reason to be sad. Things are good. I have a lot going for me. Sad is not how I'm meant to be. My whole being fights against me NOT being a sparkly, bouncy energizer bunny who is DOING THINGS constantly. And normally, the sad is hormonal or caused by something I can brush off, and I move on.
The thing is, this time it's not, and I know it's not, and I know I have to face it, but I'm still fighting it.
(because of the quote, you guys might be worried I'm talking about Matt/my marriage at this point, so should probably just cut out the vague-booking and get right to it).
My grandfather, who has been fighting lymphoma for longer than I've been married, so over twelve years now, is at the point where doctors don't have anything to offer him. After being stable for a long time, he's steadily getting worse, and he's probably going to be the first significant person I lose in my adult life. My family is strong, and Grandpa is the patriarch, the reason for that, and part of me has known this was coming for a while and part of me is in denial.
Mostly, I just don't know how to be sad. I go through my day pretty normally, then it hits like a pang, and I realize, I'm sad. I fight the sad, then I realize, I have a reason to be sad, it's not bad to be sad ... then I'm weirdly okay.
Like Laidra, I'm accepting that this is how I should feel. I don't want to be cheered up. I don't want pity, which is why I'm not talking about it much on social media. This'll probably be the only post I make about it.
I don't want to be surrounded by concern and care. I just want to focus on the sad internally and acknowledge it for the thing it is and the justifiably of it.
Part of how I deal with things is basically continuing as normal, so I'll probably be around doing my normal thing, but I'm also intentionally doing my best to take on less. I'm not committing to large projects. I'm not worrying if I have to take a few days away from social media.
So what you're probably going to get is me like you're used to, but less of me ... Or some days posting extra pictures of Bruce and Theodore might be what's keep me going, so maybe you'll see more. Who knows?
I have faith. My grandparents have faith. I'm not sure exactly what God has planned, but I'm not feeling dread. However, I am feeling sad, and that's all right.

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